So, we have a district meeting today for all library staff. There are about 18 of us, 19 counting the District Librarian. We try to get together for lunch before our afternoon meetings, because that’s nice, or whatever. Last time it was Ruby’s, and everyone was fine with that.
This time, however, things are not so simple. Oh, no, my friend.
I will convey the gist of things below. And believe it or not, this is almost verbatim.
LIBRARY TECH 1 (via email to group): Hey, are we doing lunch together before the meeting?
LIBRARY TECH 2: Sure! Where should we meet?
LIBRARY TECH 1: I don’t know that area very well. Suggestions?
LIBRARY TECH 3: Tommy, how about that Mexican place you usually go to? Or how about this Country Café Place? (includes link)
LIBRARY TECH 4: I don’t like that place, it’s not very good.
LIBRARY TECH 3: I think there’s a Spires nearby…
TOMMY: Yes, there is a Spires right across from where our meeting is being held. I vote Spires.
LIBRARY TECH 4: Yes, but there’s also a Chipotle, and plenty of other eateries in that same area.
LIBRARY TECH 5 (privately to just Tommy): That’s where Library Tech 6 and I usually go before meetings! (Presumably referring to Spires)
TOMMY (privately to Library Tech 5): Great! Let’s go there, then. Should we make reservations?
LIBRARY TECH 5: Well, let’s find out where everyone else is going, first. Library Tech 6 and I haven’t figured out where we’re going, yet.
LIBRARY TECH 1 (to entire group): I’m totally down for Spires!
TOMMY (to group): Okay, how many of you are good with Spires, other than me and Library Tech 1?
LIBRARY TECH 7: I have errands to run first, but I’ll be there.
LIBRARY TECH 4: I’ll be there.
LIBRARY TECH 8: Have you eaten at the Sandwich Place across the street from Spires? It’s really good! We might want to try that.
LIBRARY TECH 9: I vote for Chipotle, because it’s better and healthier. Library Tech 4 is going there, too.
LIBRARY TECH 4: Well, actually it doesn’t matter to me! Either place is fine.
ANONYMOUS (sent via private text to Tommy): Library Tech 9 wants me to go to Chipotle with her. I know you committed to Spires, but I vote you come to Chipotle with us!
TOMMY (after discovering no cell coverage anywhere in library, and wandering out to quad in the sun, holding phone at various angles and directions until weak signal finally appears): Who is this?
LIBRARY TECH 3: It’s Library Tech 3.
TOMMY (hot, frustrated, getting crabby): Oh! My cell is fucked up, not showing me who’s texting. Already told Library Tech 1 and Library Tech 7 I’d go to Spires with them. ALL THESE BITCHES NEED TO MAKE UP THEIR DAMN MINDS!
-Tommy has to get some work done, and goes to counseling office to scan some documents. While there in the copy room, he mentions the frustration of the library techs not being able to figure out where to meet for lunch.
OFFICE ASSISTANT: Oh! You should go to this really great place on Euclid—
TOMMY: No way, I don’t even want to CONSIDER adding another option at this point! That’s the last thing we need!
OFFICE ASSISTANT 1: --and Broadway, it’s a gourmet hamburger place, the chef is amazing, and—
TOMMY: Thanks, but no.
OFFICE ASSISTANT: --it’s cheaper than that other place we went last time, remember, Office Assistant 2?
OFFICE ASSISTANT 2: Oh, yeah, Fancy Burger! It was good, but they were, like, $15 burgers!
TOMMY: Hm. I HAVE been wanting to try that Fancy Burger place! No, wait! That’s not helping! I’m not suggesting another place!
-Tommy runs back to his office.
TOMMY (via email to Library Tech 1, Library Tech 4, and Library Tech 7): So, apparently lunch is a big issue and requires much heated debate. Are you guys switching to Camp Chipotle, or staying with Camp Spires?
LIBRARY TECH 1: Well, I’m not really in the mood for disease with my rice and beans. Remember that contamination issue with Chipotle? But this is a community thing, so I don’t know. Where are you going?
TOMMY: I don’t know. My brain is dead and I am now incapable of making a decision. I say we let Library Tech 4 or Library Tech 7 decide.
LIBRARY TECH 4: Who knew lunch would divide us? I’ll go to Chipotle. But there is a Northgate Market there, too, and they have a HUGE food court!